Our road… to #3… Please be okay.

Yes things have certainly been quiet here on Mom Confessionals.  I’ve been trying hard to process everything that has been happening around me.  From the devastation of Hurricane Sandy, to my first mandated stay as a healthcare worker, to mapping and strategizing gas lines while battling my worst case of morning all-day sickness, trying to be the best labor & delivery orientee, and now the aftermath of Nor’easter Athena.  Amidst all of this I have been struggling with my own personal demons.

Having announced my pregnancy with much fanfare early on in my pregnancy.  I with heavy heart, much disappoint, I don’t even know about what… maybe in me? make my biggest mom confession to date.  Maybe it was complete foolishness on my part.  We were completely caught off guard by my new found state of pregnancy, it was a surprise to say the least.  I couldn’t help be giddy despite the fact that we had put baby #3 on the back burner for various reasons.  But here it was… Baby #3 was going to BE.  I was definitely nervous about how everyone would react.  My husbands was priceless — CRAP! He got over it though (he even kissed my belly this morning as he left for work).  I even dodged a bullet with my mother in law, who I was sure would strangle me… as if it was my fault completely that I was carrying #3.  She hasn’t exactly embraced me, but she has been letting me sleep lots (to ward the nausea away mostly) and closes the door politely as I gag and make all sorts of awful sounds trying to hold down the vomit.  Aside from that I couldn’t really hide my excitement.  I was going to have the pregnancy I always wanted.  Things were going to be great!  This time I was a nurse.  I did my research and I found the most highly recommended and best OB at my hospital.  This time was going to be different, it was going to be awesome!  Then it started to suck.

My morning / ALL-day sickness is awful.  I can’t eat a thing.  Everything makes me want to hurl… only I can’t!  It would sit there in the back of my throat, threatening to come up and yet never living up to its threat.  I started calling this the worst pregnancy ever.  I dubbed myself the most miserable pregnant woman on earth.  When I could eat, it was terrible food.  Food I would never put in my system normally, okay, not as often as I was.  Taco Bell, White Castles (insert jokes here), tons of candy, chocolate, sweets galore.  I looked and felt green.  I was the most miserable pregnant woman on earth.  Along with that thought process, I felt like secretly maybe my husband was unhappy (noting that he wasn’t rushing to my side to hold my hair every time I wanted to hurl) about the baby and well my mother in law probably hates me too… and the both of them loved me suffering through this.

I was of course happy when I went to the doctor’s office.  I loved my sonogram pictures.  I had already planted the seed in the doctor’s mind that I wanted this to be a positive pregnancy.  I was going to avoid all the nonsense I went through with the others.  I was informed.  This was going to be the pregnancy I always wanted… until it wasn’t.

I really don’t even know how we got here.  I’m still trying to wrap my head around how I even got to his place again.  I said I wasn’t going to go all crazy with the genetic testing.  I didn’t want to hear anything more than rule outs for Trisomy – 18 and Trisomy – 21.  I told my doctor that I wanted to know mere basics and some how I’m here again.  Screaming that scream again that can’t be heard.  I stupidly did the First Trimester Screening, thinking nothing of it.  This was a different pregnancy, it had to be different.  I was thrilled when my Nuchal passed with flying colors.  I hugged that sonogram and introduced you all to Baby #3.  Then the blood work came back… and my walls came crashing down on me.  Baby #3 was high risk for Down Syndrome.  The cut off was 1 in 250… and well… I was 1 in 350 prior to the test and well… significantly higher risk after the test.  I let myself cry for a minute and then calm told my husband reassuring him that I was okay.  I really wanted to be okay.  I was okay for a few hours.  I tried hard to resist googling.  I slipped a few times, had a few pep talks with myself and trying to be positive.  It’s really a lot harder than it looks, because really… if I allow myself to be honest… I’m a mess. I also have a heap of guilt for being so nasty about this pregnancy.  Calling it my worst and being the most miserable pregnant woman on earth.

I’m terrified.  I don’t know if I can do this again.  I don’t even know if my husband can do this.  Can we have a baby with down syndrome?  I’m literally terrified of the conversation we’ll have if the baby does have Trisomy – 21.  I can honestly say I don’t know what I’ll do.  I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this again.  The amnio is scheduled in 2 weeks, thanks to the pushing of a concerned co-worker, but it seems so far away and I know the results are another 2 weeks out from there.  I’m already anticipating and feeling the anxiety.  Again I ask, how did I get here again when I was trying so hard to avoid this pain again.