4 Years Later…

..and my heart still aches at the thought of Emma.  While the pain gets less every year, it’s still there.  I wonder if I’ll ever get over the “what if” factor.  We did play that card with Marcus and look how it turned out? What if I hadn’t listened to the doctors (and to my husband) and continued with her pregnancy?  These are the moments I believe in miracles, because I know they are possible… but I will never know.  As August approaches I always get anxious.  I know it’s merely a date, but reaching it reminds me so much of that day.  Like a ticking time bomb…  I admit this year it almost slipped by me.  As the week approached, whether subconscious or not, I avoided looking at calendars.  When the day arrived, I didn’t exactly acknowledge it, but had a heavy heart all day.  In the evening when everyone had gone to bed, I looked at the calendar… August 23rd, 2010 and noted next to it – Remembering Emma.  I let all the emotions sink in and quietly wept.  I know my husband had forgotten and that really angered me.  To this day, I still don’t understand how he can forget.  I understand each person has a different coping mechanism, but I needed his to be like my own… so I didn’t feel so alone in it.  Sitting in the playroom, after everyone’s gone to bed, silently weeping as if it was a shameful secret.  Sometimes when I bring up Emma, as our first child, I almost sense an exasperated sigh from him.  I know he wants me to forget and probably doesn’t understand why I can’t forget.  It’s going to be one of those things we differ on.

At the same time I couldn’t help chastising myself.  I had two gorgeous kids now.  They are the loves of my life and bring me the greatest joy!

I’ve been asked many times for a MARCUS UPDATE, so here you go!: I wonder someday if Marcus will resent me for my over-scrutinizing and publicizing of his condition for all the world to see and hear.  I found myself whispering in his ear the other day to never leave me.  I don’t know what my world would be without my sweet boy.  I want to see him grow up, be taller, stronger and more handsome than his daddy.  I want to see him marry and have kids of his own, experiencing the joy that he brings me every day. All things aside, and we won’t know what the future will bring, he is perfect in every way.  Marcus is a sweet happy baby who has a smile for everyone.  He has such a gentle, quiet temperament.  He sleeps on schedule, loves his veggies, will sooth himself to sleep in his crib and wakes up happy as can be.  He never wakes us up if he’s up before us.  He’s content to play in his crib by himself until someone happens to stop by.  He loves his sister and “big brother” Jaylen (his cousin), everything they do makes him erupt in a giggle fit.  He has two bottom teeth, way ahead of his sister who didn’t pop any until she was about 15 months old.  Sadly, they are coming in a little crooked, a nod to my terrible dentitions – Thank G-d for braces!  At 8.5 months, he’s not crawling yet, but not for lack of trying.  He’ll get it one day I’ve been told, there aren’t any grown adults who can’t walk! Little blips come up here and there, but we take it one step at a time and as a family together.  As with any of our children, nothing is too small or insignificant, and we’ll always worry about every little hair on their pretty little heads.  I’m so happy that I stuck to my gut because here he is and the world is a happier place because of him.

Emma’s sister, Ava is a barrel of laughs.  We never know what is going to come out of her mouth, I call it, affectionately, “The Ava Show!”  She’s been often described as 3 going on 30.  She’s incredibly precocious, loves everything passionately.  She’s not a child you can stereotype.  She is girly and a bit tom-boyish at the same time.  She loves transformers as much as she loves My Little Pony.  She plays with her dollhouse as much as her train set.  She’s always imitating one of the adults in her life and if you let her help you with something, be warned, she’ll think she’s a pro from then on.  She’s one of mommy’s favorite photography subjects and has become quite the model.

With my heart bursting full of love for my kids, I can’t help but wish for another little brother or sister for Emma.  Only time will tell, but nothing brings me as much joy like a house filled with children’s laughter.