Today is my sweet Lucas’ first birthday and it is filled with sadness and yet so much joy. I am trying to savor every last second of my very last baby moments. The smell, the smile, the babbling, the laugh, those beautiful bright eyes. Yes these are the very last moments that I have as a baby’s mom.
I often wonder how Lucas will feel when he grows up and reads all about himself in utero and birth. I chronicled it all for posterity. I feel a lot of guilt when it comes to Lucas, and maybe that’s not quite the right word, but you know what I mean. I had always wanted 3 children, or so I thought. Growing up with 1 sister was awesome, but sometimes I wished for, oddly enough, an older brother or sister. I always thought 3 would make a fun family.
Then at one point my husband and I looked at Ava and Marcus, grown up of sorts – Marcus almost out of diapers, finally free of the diaper bag and usually not needing a stroller and all the other 10 million supplies a baby needed, the 2.5 years of breastfeeding Marcus looming just around the corner, finally reclaiming my boobs — and we were satisfied, happy and content. We must have been a little too happy about it all because a few weeks after our “happy as a family of 4”, I found out I was pregnant.
I remember the moment clearly, I realized that my period was late… really late. Being that Ava and Marcus’ pregnancies were planned almost to a crazy scientific formula, this new nervousness and excitement (maybe with a little panic thrown in) at the same time was so different and amazing. I remember thinking how surreal it was that I was going to buy a pregnancy test, and then going back to buy another one, you know, just to make sure. I was shocked and completely shocked to be shocked. I really wasn’t sure how I felt about this pregnancy. After mentally coming to terms with our decision not to have a 3rd, my mindset was already looking forward to a future of just the 4 of us — no more breastfeeding and diaper changes, moving on to the phase of exploring the world with my 2 children. I had purged our home of all things baby, and remember letting go of our glider with tears in my eyes thinking this was it, just the 4 of us… and now we were starting all over again. Sometimes facing a future that you never thought you’d have can be scary… sometimes facing a future that you always wanted after finally letting go of it can be even more scarier.
Let’s be honest, I was terrified. I always wanted a family with 3 kids, but I knew families with 2 kids, people usually stopped at two kids. 3 was a whole new territory. It was going to be so different. I could see everyone in my house stressing about what a new baby would bring. My husband stressing about finances and a world that was built for families of 4, my in-laws who involuntarily just got signed up for more childcare duties in the near future. My Ava, who was probably the happiest of the bunch wishing for a little sister, someone to finally play with and adore her. I remember when I found out I was having a boy, the sadness I felt for her, being the only girl in a house full of boys. Marcus, who was my baby love, was beyond devastated and still coming to terms with having a little brother to this day. He didn’t want anyone to replace him. He was dai-dai (little brother) and will happily make that clear distinction to anyone who says otherwise. Ava is jei-jei (big sister), Marcus is dai-dai and Lucas is very clearly “be-be”. Let no one take his title away, he was going to be no one’s gaw-gaw (big brother), he tells everyone that title belongs to only Jaylen.
I was finally in a content and happy place, in a job I loved, getting in the groove as mom of two. Doing all the things I loved about being a mom of two — helping with homework, going to Parent Association meetings and being that mom that goes on class trips, is class parent, taking the kids to the zoo and museums, relishing in all things that involve the two lights of my world. How was I to be a mom of 3?! It was stressful and I was still in a haze of shock.
My pregnancy was merely a part of me during those 35 weeks, aside from the doctors visits and pesky tests, we were just living our lives day by day. I had wanted so badly to just live and enjoy the pregnancy, but like all my pregnancies, it was full of genetic testing, anxiety over test results and of course the inevitable bed rest. I just rolled with the punches, when they thought Lucas has down syndrome, I just accepted it (along with bouts of teary nights) and when they accidentally revealed the sex of the baby, I just let it be. I don’t want to say that I didn’t embrace the pregnancy, it was just another part of my very busy life.
One of the funnest part of my pregnancy, in all the chaos, was keeping the sex of the baby a secret. It was my best kept secret to date and the very best surprise for my husband from our little surprise, who made his appearance one year ago today, in my best April Fool’s Day joke. A tiney tiny 5-pound-er who said at exactly 35 weeks,” just letting you know I am here and am ready to make my mark!“
[message type=”simple”]I am ONE today. I have (2) teeth. I can crawl, I can stand on my own, well pull myself up AND I can climb stairs. I love playing with my sister and brother, and BALLS -footballs, tennis balls, baseballs, any balls. My vocabulary includes nai-nai (milk), mum-mum (hungry!), da-da and sometimes (ma-ma). I am very curious. Child locks were invented for babies like me.[/message]
I love that he loves his daddy most, maybe 2nd to me, but the look he gets when his daddy walks through the door, and how he instantly shouts ah-da! just warms my heart. I love when I pick him up now, the first thing he does is throw his arms around me and nuzzles his head in the crook of my neck. He is curious, mischievous and fearless. I remember the first time he climbed the stairs, one knee up and a pause, then the next. He then turned to look at me with his big beautiful two-tooth smile, about to sit back on nothing but the stairs below before I grabbed him. Oh and the joy this baby exudes. He just smiles for miles, from the first moment he wakes up and all day long. Everything he does deserves a “ho-yeah! ho-yeah!” round of applauds from him and music, well let’s just say the boy has the beats down. He is the future that I always wanted and was too scared to embrace. He is my 3rd, my very last baby, the one that made our family whole and complete.
Happy Birthday Luca(s)!