MOM CONFESSIONALS

On an exploratory trip to Target for no other reason than we were bored, we leisurely strolled the store aisle by aisle.  It’s a lot of fun, and very dangerous.  You just FIND things to buy.  At one point we stopped at the accessories counter and I decided to check out some earrings for the toddler’s newly pierced ears.  After internally rationalizing for a bit, I decided maybe REAL diamonds for a 3 year old might be a little extravagant.  I mean what might she have to look forward to when she’s say, 5 or 6 years old then?  Unfortunately there was no salesperson to be seen and I told the toddler we’d have to come back in a little while to see them up close.  She was fine with that and happily danced around the store, lingering of course in the toy section.  After about an hour, a toy bought for each child and munchies for mom, we headed home.  Halfway home, it occurred to me that we had forgotten the earrings and I gasped, “Damn! (ugh!) I’m sorry Ava, Mommy forgot to check back on the earrings. Sooo sorry!”  The toddler’s quick response back had me floored.  “That’s okay Mommy, just go online.”  And that was that!

Anyone think I shop online too much?

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You might think it strange that I’m sitting here eating chili cheese sticks from Black Hound Bakery (yum!) and drinking a glass of water when just a few hours ago I was sitting in an ambulance on my way to the hospital after my son had an anaphylactic reaction to a smidge of ice cream I gave him.  It really was just a smidge.  He seemed really to really want some of what his sister and I were so obviously enjoying after a day of shopping.  I didn’t think there was any harm in just a touch of it on his tongue.  That little touch wound up more around his mouth than in his mouth and that turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Within a few minutes his lips began to swell and I looked at him and thought this is NOT a good sign.  Despite my nursing school training I still didn’t trust myself to call it as I saw it, an anaphylactic reaction.  I immediately took a photo and messaged my pediatrician (who may rue the day he ever let me have his personal cell phone number).  Trying to remain calm, I wrote, “Hey quick q… Just gave Marcus a taste of ice cream and his lips swelled up.  Should we be worried?”  I waited a second before calling and leaving a message with his service as well.  I guess this is where my medical training instinctively kicked in because I knew if I was right, this could quickly turn into a bad situation. I started to notice Marcus getting lethargic and falling asleep almost instantly.  My phone rang and it was the pediatrician who confirmed what I already knew.  I sprinted to the front of the store with my son and as calm as possible asked them to call 911 as my son was having an anaphylactic reaction to the ice cream I gave him a few minutes ago.

It took about 3-4 minutes for the ambulance to arrive and we were trying hard to keep Marcus awake.  He was desaturating fast.  I could not believe how calm I was being.  I did exactly as the EMT’s told me.  Got on the stretcher with him and we were on our way.  Marcus was barely awake, but not trying to sleep anymore.  He was quietly observing all the commotion.  Definitely not his usual behavior but they placed him on an O2 sat machine where he fluctuated from 92% to 100% as they gave him oxygen.  He happily placed it in his mouth like it was some teething toy.  The EMT’s had evaluated that they should take us not to the nearest hospital but rather one that had a Pediatric emergency room and also happened to be en route to home.  In minutes we were in the pediatric emergency room where he was given a dose of oral Benadryl.  Once again, thankfully to an informed conversation I had with the EMT’s, instead of  shot of Epi(nephrine) or a shot of Benedryl, he was given an oral dose which eased everyone especially the infant who would have been wailing at the top of his lungs.  I guess that would have a been a good thing too, opening up his lungs.  It was funny arriving into the ER with the EMT’s informing the staff that “Mommy speaks Nurse”, all I could say was… um barely…  The swelling around Marcus’ mouth had gone down significantly and you would never know anything was wrong because he was the happiest patient.  He thought being in the ER was sheerly the best thing ever!  See Video. After being evaluated, we were cleared to go home.  The reaction was mostly localized thanks to it only being a “smidge” of ice cream.  Armed with a bottle of Benadryl and instructions to get his allergies evaluated as soon as possible, we went home.

The baby is now fast asleep thanks to the side effects of Benadryl, none the wiser to the fact he probably shaved like 20 years off my life.  But I guess I have no one else to blame but myself.  I gave him the “smidge” of ice cream.  The irony was that he had an appointment to get allergy tested earlier in the week but since I had just started school, my mother in law had to take him.  Because of a language barrier between my barely English speaking mother in law and the doctor, they thought it was simply a routine visit. 

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..and my heart still aches at the thought of Emma.  While the pain gets less every year, it’s still there.  I wonder if I’ll ever get over the “what if” factor.  We did play that card with Marcus and look how it turned out? What if I hadn’t listened to the doctors (and to my husband) and continued with her pregnancy?  These are the moments I believe in miracles, because I know they are possible… but I will never know.  As August approaches I always get anxious.  I know it’s merely a date, but reaching it reminds me so much of that day.  Like a ticking time bomb…  I admit this year it almost slipped by me.  As the week approached, whether subconscious or not, I avoided looking at calendars.  When the day arrived, I didn’t exactly acknowledge it, but had a heavy heart all day.  In the evening when everyone had gone to bed, I looked at the calendar… August 23rd, 2010 and noted next to it – Remembering Emma.  I let all the emotions sink in and quietly wept.  I know my husband had forgotten and that really angered me.  To this day, I still don’t understand how he can forget.  I understand each person has a different coping mechanism, but I needed his to be like my own… so I didn’t feel so alone in it.  Sitting in the playroom, after everyone’s gone to bed, silently weeping as if it was a shameful secret.  Sometimes when I bring up Emma, as our first child, I almost sense an exasperated sigh from him.  I know he wants me to forget and probably doesn’t understand why I can’t forget.  It’s going to be one of those things we differ on.

At the same time I couldn’t help chastising myself.  I had two gorgeous kids now.  They are the loves of my life and bring me the greatest joy!

I’ve been asked many times for a MARCUS UPDATE, so here you go!: I wonder someday if Marcus will resent me for my over-scrutinizing and publicizing of his condition for all the world to see and hear.  I found myself whispering in his ear the other day to never leave me.  I don’t know what my world would be without my sweet boy.  I want to see him grow up, be taller, stronger and more handsome than his daddy.  I want to see him marry and have kids of his own, experiencing the joy that he brings me every day. All things aside, and we won’t know what the future will bring, he is perfect in every way.  Marcus is a sweet happy baby who has a smile for everyone.  He has such a gentle, quiet temperament.  He sleeps on schedule, loves his veggies, will sooth himself to sleep in his crib and wakes up happy as can be.  He never wakes us up if he’s up before us.  He’s content to play in his crib by himself until someone happens to stop by.  He loves his sister and “big brother” Jaylen (his cousin), everything they do makes him erupt in a giggle fit.  He has two bottom teeth, way ahead of his sister who didn’t pop any until she was about 15 months old.  Sadly, they are coming in a little crooked, a nod to my terrible dentitions – Thank G-d for braces!  At 8.5 months, he’s not crawling yet, but not for lack of trying.  He’ll get it one day I’ve been told, there aren’t any grown adults who can’t walk! Little blips come up here and there, but we take it one step at a time and as a family together.  As with any of our children, nothing is too small or insignificant, and we’ll always worry about every little hair on their pretty little heads.  I’m so happy that I stuck to my gut because here he is and the world is a happier place because of him.

Emma’s sister, Ava is a barrel of laughs.  We never know what is going to come out of her mouth, I call it, affectionately, “The Ava Show!”  She’s been often described as 3 going on 30.  She’s incredibly precocious, loves everything passionately.  She’s not a child you can stereotype.  She is girly and a bit tom-boyish at the same time.  She loves transformers as much as she loves My Little Pony.  She plays with her dollhouse as much as her train set.  She’s always imitating one of the adults in her life and if you let her help you with something, be warned, she’ll think she’s a pro from then on.  She’s one of mommy’s favorite photography subjects and has become quite the model.

With my heart bursting full of love for my kids, I can’t help but wish for another little brother or sister for Emma.  Only time will tell, but nothing brings me as much joy like a house filled with children’s laughter.

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I have to admit I’m not big on conferences.  In fact, BlogHer was my very first conference.  I don’t exactly know when it happened but somehow my little blog, has become a brand unto its own and by no way attributed to any strategic planning of sorts.  Everything that has happened to Mom Confessionals has been incredibly organic.  I do admire the ambitious bloggers out there and marvel at how they build relationships with brands and cultivate their own name in the blog-o-sphere.  Very much like my own life, I start to get into it but really I prefer the more laid back approach.  I am never one to get upset about not getting invited to an event and I refuse to be a swag slut.   I mean my life is already full of clutter thanks to a house filled with kids, so really… I don’t need more.  My blog is my life, but my life is not my blog.  I don’t get upset about not getting invited to events for the mere fact that I have other things to do… like enjoying my children.  In fact most days I’m battling to find my voice in the blog amongst the many reviews I have written.  I’m still struggling with how much of my persona to reveal and how much to contribute.  That said, if its of interest, I’ll be there to hear what you say, support my friends and cultivate relationships with brands I really care about and resonate with my family and our life.

So while I bought a full pass to BlogHer, I didn’t stress it.  I attended many amazing events and I couldn’t even begin to cover them all but here are some highlights:

• Loved the Swag Swap Suite… I visited it only once but regretfully wished I could have gone back to ask where the countless Walmart notebooks went after BlogHer because I knew of a school in Guatemala that could have and would have gratefully used them.  Felt bad for all the Jimmy Dean clocks that got left behind and felt for the marketing exec who thought it would be a cute gift, cause it was, but I hate branded merchandise.  Couldn’t believe I snagged another Filtrete water bottle because really they were really nice, clean and simple.
• Met some incredible people who I’ve been following on Twitter or reading their blogs.  While some of them were so gracious to think I’m on the same level as they are, I felt incredibly humbled to be in their presence. Even attending some events where they called the attendees “cream of the crop” or “key influencers”, they had me looking around thinking they made a mistake in inviting me.  I mean for goodness sakes I was standing in a room with @BostonMamas, @MommyNiri @AudreyMcClelland @MomTrends @MomBloggersClub @ResourcefulMom @XiaolinMama @DuongSheahan… and there I was… in awe and completely perplexed…
• Here is the only time I’m a slut for swag… I was giddy to get Dora and Swiper the Fox shirts for the toddler and nephew… if they had something in the infant’s size, you bet I would have gotten him one too.  The toddler loved the shirt so much she wears it all the time and when its in the hamper, asks how long it will take to wash and dry… and if she’s audacious enough, she’ll even ask why we’re not washing it RIGHT now.  I was happy to grab some tubs of Playdoh for the toddler and was thrilled to see the duffel bag in our bag cause nothing is a sure fire hit at a play-date than a box full of Playdoh fun.
• Oh the greenie in me definitely came out at this event.  I was sorting and swapping every chance I got.  I didn’t take anything that couldn’t be used or given to someone I know who’d appreciate it.  I loved learning about brands and their environmental efforts.  Some of my favorite included Filtrete’s Water Station which would solve my family’s addiction to bottled water in very sleek container.  I even loved the plant-able wild flower seeds their message was printed on to add to the toddlers growing garden.  While I wish my fancy kitchen faucet could fit Pur’s new one-click faucet filtration system, I loved their involvement with P&G Children’s Safe Drinking Water Program which has provided 2 billion liters of clean drinking water to children all over the world and hopes to provide 4 billion liters by 2012.
• Loved putting faces to brands I’ve been electronically in contact with and learning about their newest products.  Juno Baby is our new brand obsession in our house.  Quality music played by real orchestra musicians and my Jay Sean-loving child is tapping her feet right along.  Fisher Price introduced us to the must have iXL Learning System and I am happy to put at bay for another few years, handheld video games.  Kodak Gallery’s soon to be release PYNK system is sheer brilliance!  What wonderful gifts they will make for sure.  The amateur photographer in me can’t wait to have PYNK frames all over my house.
• Loved meeting Nate Berkus at his launch party for the Nate Berkus Show which debuts on September 13th, because I love design, but of course was too shy to say anything other than ask for a picture.  Since he wasn’t a mom, I didn’t have my mom confessionals opening to work with — what’s your mom confession Nate? — sigh! Doesn’t matter, as one of the mommy bloggers on his panel of real moms, once I get over being star-struck, I’m sure I’ll have plenty of opportunities to interact with him.
• All the amazing parties I went to which, just to name a few, included the Getting Gorgeous event held by my favorite @VeraSweeney and @AudreyMcClelland, Summer Sizzle by @MomTrends, the HP Aiming Low EzPz Party which brought me face to face with the ever so enchanting @AngelaatHP and the Taste of Loews by the amazing @NYCityMama

My experience with BlogHer wouldn’t be complete without a shout-out to my constant companions and hand-holders @Nancy_Horn of MommieswithStyle and @About_Toys. I can’t wait to attend BlogHer ’11 in San Diego!

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My nursing clinical this past semester had me working in the Geriatrics ward at my hospital and I had to face and watch families make critical and heart wrenching decisions for their loved ones who hadn’t left any instructions as to their wishes. Standing on the outside watching, it was hard to see families being torn apart.  Each one thinking they knew what the patient would want.  Arguing that they had the patient’s best interest at heart.  Sometimes it wasn’t always so cut and dry.  Sometimes a lifetime companion is shut out from medical decisions because they weren’t legally wed, and instead a person who was not close with the patient was left to make crucial medical decisions.

In my own life, I watch my husband’s family deal with the aftermath of his grandmother’s stroke.  In my visits with her I saw the sadness in her eyes and I wondered what she was thinking in her inability to communicate with us.  I tried to remember her strength and passion and wondered what she would want or what she would say to us if she could speak.  It made me take a hard look at what choices I would want to make in the same position.

From the clinical side of things, I also had to face hard facts.  Orders for a DNR and DNI are often markers for decreased patient care.  Doctors and nurses don’t intentionally provide less care, but research has shown that patients with orders don’t receive optimal care as patient’s who don’t.  What ensues is that many patient’s opt not to place orders because they are afraid they won’t be cared for.  While education of both patients and healthcare workers are an important priority, there is another option – Health Care Proxy.

What is a health care proxy you might ask?  It’s not to be confused with an order for DNR – Do Not Resuscitate or DNI – Do Not Intubate.  Rather its a directive that indicates who you’d like to make health care decisions for you in case you can not.

It is important to consider and to think about your individual wishes as they relate to how you want to live the remainder of your life. Most people don’t have any idea how to begin to think about this or begin a discussion about this, but I urge everyone to begin this discussion. To help you navigate through what decisions you might need to consider there are tools that can guide you.

• Welcome to the Compassion and Support Home Page
• Aging With Dignity – to Help You and Your Family Plan and Receive the Care You Deserve

Isn’t the web a wonderful thing?  A blank healthcare proxy can be downloaded online by searching “Health Care Proxy” and your state of residence, ie. “New York“.  It is a fairly self explanatory form that does not require a lawyer.  It will require signatures from two witnesses.  In your health care proxy you can indicate who are your first and second choices for making health care decisions on your behalf if you cannot as well as the extent of healthcare decisions they can make on your behalf.  You can also state exceptions which include in case of divorce,  in case of death and even describe in length wishes according to potential medical situations that may arise.  There also is an area to make your organ donation wishes known.

The greatest comfort you can give to your family in times of crisis is a Health Care Proxy.  So set aside some time and make your wishes known.

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If life could be set to music, I’d have a song for every moment…  I’m a dancing kinda gal and when no one is home I love to turn up my favorite song of the moment and just “shake my bootay” or when I just need a break from listening to countless hours of class lectures, I’ll for a moment flip to my “favorites” play list and rock out in my own little world.  There’s something so magical about music and its ability to change your mood so drastically from one moment to the next.  Sometimes you just need to shake loose a rough day or let the stress melt away… and the best thing is… when you find someone to share it with….

{ video was taken with the D5000 in HD provided by Nikon }

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{ disclosure: I am working in partnership with Kellogg and TheMotherhood.com and have received a stipend, but the opinions expressed here are my own }

{ COMMENTS ARE CLOSED FOR THIS POST }

I don’t know about you, but morning are crazy at my house.  Even though I’m up, about and out before the kids are even awake every morning, its still shear chaos.  Every morning my routine includes things like:

• prepare my son’s bottles for the day
• set aside prepared tubs of baby food
• make my daughter’s vitamin mixed juice cup
• make her meals
• check that the nursery is adequately stocked with diapers, bibs, wipes and clothing
• wash and sanitize all of the baby’s teething toys
• make sure the baby’s medication is where it should be and ready for administration
• make a list with all my instructions for the day
• check that there is adequate entertainment for the day
• package my lunch
• fill up my water bottle
• wash and sterilize breast pump accessories
• pack up my breast pump and supplies
• pack up my school books and materials for the day
• eat breakfast if I remember to…

I’m sure some of you are looking at my list thinking, well it should get pretty routine after a while, which is true but… Not every morning is the same and there are days I notice the the baby has a developing rash, which I then want to adjust his diet, or his medications, or I notice the toddler has avoided veggies all week and I want my MIL to focus on these certain things for the day.  So by the time I think of everything I need to cover for the day, I forget to eat breakfast in my haste to make the train.  I know breakfast is the most important day of the meal, but as a mom, you often are so busy taking care of everyone else, you forget about yourself.  Most days I  wonder how I even remember it all.  I know some mornings are easier than others and the easiest ones are the ones where I do as much as I can the night before.  Lists help immensely and if they don’t change much, its great to have a starter list that gets tweaked just a little each morning.

When I was approached to try Eggo® Real Fruit Pizzas, I gave them a resounding YES!  Granted I was more excited to try it out myself and make it a part of my morning routine but I realized how perfect it was for my toddler too.  My little picky eater rarely eats fruits, let alone fresh fruit, especially if its not, say, in an ice cream disguised packaging.  Even that can be a challenge.  Strawberry ice cream becomes “pink” ice cream, because pink is one of her favorite colors.  On some days I can even trick her with pink (strawberry) yogurt, but not often.  When I saw Eggo® Real Fruit Pizzas packaging, all I could think was — Ooooh pink! Oooh Pizza!  The toddler loves pizza!  This could totally work!

One crazy morning, amidst my running around, I popped the Mixed Berry Granola Fruit Pizza in the microwave, excited to try out my favorite combination of fruit, yogurt and granola in a pizza form… and I totally forgot as I ran out of the house to catch my train.  When I got home later that evening I was thrilled to hear that the toddler scarfed it all up when she woke up, but I completely missed catching this “momentous” occasion.  I heard the defining moment of whether or not she would eat it came down to it being “purple!”  her other favorite color and my MIL threw in that she also thought Mommy left it as a special surprise just for her.  Hey, whatever works!

Trying out Pizza #2, the Strawberry Granola went on without a hitch.  Bright and early yesterday morning I asked the toddler if she wanted pizza for breakfast and of course there was her resounding, “Yes!”.  Approaching it much like frosting on a birthday cake, the toddler had to swipe a taste before I had a chance to even cut it up.  I had to even do a little negotiating to get a tiny slice of my own to try and it was delicious!  It’s no wonder she scarfed it down!  This will be another Eggo product that we’ll all be yelling, “Leggo my eggo!” and one thing less I have to think about every morning.

PROS

• Quick and Easy Breakfast in just 1 minute
• Incredibly nutritious with fresh fruits, granola and yogurt topping
• They do not skimp on the fresh fruit — yum!
• Eating it like a pizza makes it a pretty mess free meal.
• It’s delicious!

CONS

• Wish they came in a family pack.  Individual pizzas would be great for perhaps a college student, for a family, a four-pack would be better
• Would have been cool if they came pre-sliced.
• Wish there was an easy pull tab for opening the shrink-wrapped packaging.  This is not exclusive to this particular product, but over all in general.  One of my pet peeves is fumbling with scissors, or pulling off with my teeth.

GIVEAWAY: What’s your secret to a smooth morning start? Share it to win one of (5), yea that’s right FIVE – Eggo® Real Fruit Pizzas Sampler Sets.  To ENTER, from now until July 28th 2010, fill out this FORM telling us your tips.  Get up to (two) bonus entries. 1st Bonus – If you follow me on twitter@momconfessional and re-tweet this giveaway (Win ONE of 5 Win ONE of 5 #EggoAM Real Fruit Pizzas Sampler Sets @momconfessional http://wp.me/pLvfH-vx) 2nd Bonus – If you “like” us on Facebook and share the giveaway with your friends.  DON’T FORGET to visit this FORM again and leave a separate entry for each action. Giveaway only open to those with U.S. addresses. Giveaway ends on July 28th 2010 at 11:59 EST. A winner will be selected randomly by Random.org and notified by e-mail.

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So I had a moment which my Issues Professor would define as role conflict.  You can all feel free to rank on me after I tell my story, but this is my moment in time where all my worlds collided…

The other night, at around 2 am, my 3 year old daughter woke up in her bed hysterical.  She had obviously had a bad dream.  I am a light sleeper normally but being overly exhausted, I was trying to silently ignore her.  I even heard my husband grunt and I knew he was trying to do the same.

After an exhaustingly long minute, we knew she wasn’t going to stop crying.  My husband made a lame attempt at getting out of bed, calling her to come to our bedroom.  She got up and wandered to the foot of our door and just stopped.  I asked her to come to bed.  She refused to move and continued sobbing.  In my half sleeping haze I got up and knelt down in front of her and asked her to stop crying.  I told her she could come to bed and sleep with mommy and daddy.  She did not respond and continued sobbing.  I responded by doing my countdown…1!…..2!…..2 and a half!….and she still would not stop sobbing.  At this point I lost it.  It was the night before a huge midterm exam and I blurted out the first thing on my mind… Please STOP crying!  You are costing mommy 10 points on her exam!  Stop crying now!  I said you could come sleep with us.  Why won’t you stop crying!  Mommy needs to do well on this exam!  You’re costing me points!  Please stop crying! She continued to stand there crying. You’re going to wake up the baby! All I could think about was how it was all going to go downhill from here.  My son would wake up crying and then I’d have to feed him and soothe him and rock him back to sleep… and how I’d then be fully awake and unable to go back to sleep.  It was all going to be over then.

My husband then came around and swooped her up into his arms and took her to bed, giving me that death stare and he didn’t even have to say it… You crazy woman!  Yelling at your 3 year old about points on an exam!  Do you think she knows what you are talking about!  She had a bad dream and you’re worried about points on an exam!  Shame on you!  Shame on you!

The minutes her head hit her hello kitty pillow in Mommy and Daddy’s bed, she was sound asleep.  None the wiser to mommy’s crazy ranting and raving about stupid points on her exam.  I hung my head in shame, checked on the sleeping baby and went back to sleep.

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As some of you know I did something pretty crazy recently… I went back to college.  I know, pretty trippy huh?  One of my professors put it best, I’m not in Kansas anymore!  Yea, most definitely not… so while I should be studying…like RIGHT now, I’m blogging… hey, a girl needs a break every now and then.

One of the hardest things I have had to deal with is leaving my kids.  For those who have been with me for the long haul, ya’ll remember Round 1.  I’m going through the exact same emotions I went through when I first went back to work after the toddler’s birth.  A lot of anxiety and a lot of crying and we all know how that ended — quit my job and became a stay at home mom.  I feel almost like a cry baby because it should be easier the second time around after all I did get a wonderful 5 and a half months with my son as opposed to the 8 weeks I had with my daughter.  I’ve also been so incredibly blessed to be home with my daughter for the past couple of years and watching her bloom into the most amazing little girl.  But nope, it seems even HARDER the second time around cause now I have two babies I will miss every second of the day.

The worst days are the days that I only get to see my son’s sleeping face.  Yea, the toddler’s always around to greet me at any hour but in those moments all I can think about  is the fact that I will be missing things like his first crawl, or the first time he stands up, his first steps.  I might be a little over dramatic to think I’ll miss every single one of those moments but I know my mother in law won’t relish in them the way a mother will.  I sometimes pause to think if she’ll even notice that, “hey, he can sit up now!”  or “hey, he’s crawling!”  I know that they are in wonderful care with my mother in law but yet an intense jealousy rips through me thinking of all the bonding time she’ll have with both my kids.  I almost feel at a disadvantage having been home with them.  As if I hadn’t been home with them all this time, it wouldn’t hurt so bad. Not that I would trade any minute of spending time with them for the otherside — NEVER!

I thought I would have been more prepared for the whole school routine.  I did spend almost a year taking pre-requisites for this program while taking care of a toddler and waddling my pregnant butt around but nothing could have ever prepared me for this.  My brain definitely isn’t as sharp as it use to be.  I find myself having to read things over and over again and still wonder if I retained it at all.  My old tried and true study methods don’t seem to apply here.  Although I seem to be blessed with a youthful appearance, once the amusement wears off that I’m not a 20-something year old, wish I was…rather a thirty… with two kids, I definitely feel out of place amongst all the young-uns.  It didn’t seem all that long ago that I was in school studying but I guess it really was.

There are days I am so tired I just want to give up.  I find myself willing myself to go on and wonder how much more I can handle.

At the same time I try to stay focused.  I will get all this and more once I finish school.  I have to often remind myself that I am doing this FOR them so I can have the flexible schedule or the varying career paths a nurse can take.  I will be that PTA mom organizing the bake sale, going on school trips, packing their lunches and planning Disney vacations.  I try to stay positive and take one hurdle at a time.  I know my kids will be so proud of me someday.  But for now, I’ll be proud of myself if I can survive this and graduate.  I am grateful for the opportunity and incredibly blessed to have the support of everyone around me.

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There are so many days that I get caught up in the daily routine of life.  These days I can barely come up for air let alone have the time to express to my husband just how much I love him and miss him.  Yes, miss him.  Although we live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, every minute of our days consist of just making it to the next one because we’re so busy.  It’s funny that I can’t find the time to convey my thoughts, but its in the busiest of days that I start to notice things like how wonderful and amazing my husband is.  I’m reminded of why I fell in love with him in the first place and why I love him more now that I ever did.

My husband is my rock.  He loves me even when I’m not so lovable.  He loves me even if I snap because I’m under so much stress.  He even loves me when I’m acting like a diva demanding things left and right from him, as if he doesn’t give me enough already.  He has the biggest heart and…. ahem… I am selfish.  While I am trying hard to learn to be more like him and deserving of him, it doesn’t come quite as naturally to me.  He puts me, the kids and anyone else before himself.  Our happiness comes first and I want to hit myself for every time I gave him a hard time about wanting to play golf or doing something for himself.

He is the most amazing father.  Although I spent quite a lot of breathes griping about why he never picked up a book to read on childcare, I now realize it’s because it comes so naturally to him.  My favorite moments are little ones like watching the excitement on my daughter’s face when he comes through the door, dropping everything to give his little girl a gigantic hug and kiss.

While I’m the neurotic one setting rules and boundaries about things like how many hours of TV she can watch and what she should be learning at this stage and that, he’s the one who’s actually taking the time to make sure that happens.  Even after the longest of days at work, he will patiently sit with her and practice her writing.  He will sit there and listen to her nonsense stories and laugh with her.

My husband takes care of us all.  Sometimes I imagine that if he were on a TV show, the background song would be gently playing Bob Marley’s Don’t Worry, Be Happy.  I really don’t think he knows anything else but to do just do that for us.  It’s second nature.  Every time I turn around he’s doing something for us.  Sometimes it’s something simple like making sure to mow the lawn, chasing bees off our property so the kids can play outside, fixing all sorts of knick-knacks in the house.  No matter how stressed out I get about things, he always finds a way to take care of things, whether its holding my hands through a difficult medical situation or finding a solution for what seems to me as an impossible task.  He is our very own knight in shining armor.  When I start stressing out about things, even though his stress and burdens are so much more than my own, he makes relieving my stress his priority.  Sometimes relieving my stress adds more stress onto him and he does everything in his power to make sure I never know that.

He’s my biggest fan.  When I decided to switch careers in a difficult economic environment, he was nothing but supportive.  Even though we were missing an entire income, he never let the stress of it show.  Instead he was there helping me study, cheering me on and encouraging me to forge forward whenever I doubted myself or thought I couldn’t do it anymore.  He believed in me even when I didn’t.  You know who he reminds me of?  The Giving Tree.  My husband is the tree.  I’m not entirely sure I’m deserving of such a great love, but I’m incredibly grateful for it.  I’m his biggest fan.  So to my husband,  Happy Father’s Day!  We love you more than anything else in the whole wide world!

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