As some of you know I did something pretty crazy recently… I went back to college. I know, pretty trippy huh? One of my professors put it best, I’m not in Kansas anymore! Yea, most definitely not… so while I should be studying…like RIGHT now, I’m blogging… hey, a girl needs a break every now and then.
One of the hardest things I have had to deal with is leaving my kids. For those who have been with me for the long haul, ya’ll remember Round 1. I’m going through the exact same emotions I went through when I first went back to work after the toddler’s birth. A lot of anxiety and a lot of crying and we all know how that ended — quit my job and became a stay at home mom. I feel almost like a cry baby because it should be easier the second time around after all I did get a wonderful 5 and a half months with my son as opposed to the 8 weeks I had with my daughter. I’ve also been so incredibly blessed to be home with my daughter for the past couple of years and watching her bloom into the most amazing little girl. But nope, it seems even HARDER the second time around cause now I have two babies I will miss every second of the day.
The worst days are the days that I only get to see my son’s sleeping face. Yea, the toddler’s always around to greet me at any hour but in those moments all I can think about is the fact that I will be missing things like his first crawl, or the first time he stands up, his first steps. I might be a little over dramatic to think I’ll miss every single one of those moments but I know my mother in law won’t relish in them the way a mother will. I sometimes pause to think if she’ll even notice that, “hey, he can sit up now!” or “hey, he’s crawling!” I know that they are in wonderful care with my mother in law but yet an intense jealousy rips through me thinking of all the bonding time she’ll have with both my kids. I almost feel at a disadvantage having been home with them. As if I hadn’t been home with them all this time, it wouldn’t hurt so bad. Not that I would trade any minute of spending time with them for the otherside — NEVER!
I thought I would have been more prepared for the whole school routine. I did spend almost a year taking pre-requisites for this program while taking care of a toddler and waddling my pregnant butt around but nothing could have ever prepared me for this. My brain definitely isn’t as sharp as it use to be. I find myself having to read things over and over again and still wonder if I retained it at all. My old tried and true study methods don’t seem to apply here. Although I seem to be blessed with a youthful appearance, once the amusement wears off that I’m not a 20-something year old, wish I was…rather a thirty… with two kids, I definitely feel out of place amongst all the young-uns. It didn’t seem all that long ago that I was in school studying but I guess it really was.
There are days I am so tired I just want to give up. I find myself willing myself to go on and wonder how much more I can handle.
At the same time I try to stay focused. I will get all this and more once I finish school. I have to often remind myself that I am doing this FOR them so I can have the flexible schedule or the varying career paths a nurse can take. I will be that PTA mom organizing the bake sale, going on school trips, packing their lunches and planning Disney vacations. I try to stay positive and take one hurdle at a time. I know my kids will be so proud of me someday. But for now, I’ll be proud of myself if I can survive this and graduate. I am grateful for the opportunity and incredibly blessed to have the support of everyone around me.