Trying to take it EASY…

After a terrifying scare yesterday I am taking things easy for the next few days. Thankfully the baby is okay, I was so relieved to see his/her little heartbeat on the sonogram screen. I literally was hyperventilating and didn’t want to look at the screen until the doctor saw the baby. I was so terrified that the baby either wasn’t there anymore or worse… dead. Waking up to a toilet full of blood and what looked like a full period to me sent me from 0 to -1000 as far as emotions went. I couldn’t even help but assume the worst and think of all the things I had done recently to cause this happen. My father in law of course couldn’t help to interject that I just HAD to lift the huge projection TV and get the dolly out from under it the day before. Meanwhile in my head I’m chastising myself for the 2 oysters I had to have since I was getting it FRESH from the source or maybe it was the taste of banana flambe that had rum in it I took at dinner or maybe those 2 Sangria’s I had before I found out I was pregnant weeks ago that set the pregnancy already weak. I spent the excruciating hour before I could see the doctor, bargaining with God, begging him to let my baby be okay. Thankfully this time we’re okay. It’s almost as if I can’t get a break. My husband recently said to me that I seem to be so lax with this pregnancy, eating steaks medium or drinking Pepsi. I guess compared to my pregnancy with Ava, I have been. I would not have had steak period since I consider anything less than medium rare uneatable. I didn’t give into my Pepsi/Coke cravings until much further along and usually not more than a few sips. Is it so wrong just to want to be normal. I want to be that pregnant woman that says I’m going to eat whatever I want because I’m nausea and whatever wants to go in, will go in. I’m so tired of the rules… It’s not for lack of love for this baby, or lack of wanting him/her because I do so. I just want to breath… not have to worry every second, second guess every decision I make. I want to enjoy this pregnancy. Instead I’m the woman who instead of renting her fetal Doppler, bought one last night. Hoping that it will give me the peace of mind I need when I think something is wrong. Instead I’m the one sitting at home… resting… praying the baby won’t just drop out of me… surfing the Internet and researching the latest baby gear that has come out since Ava’s birth…

then the next minute, I’m upset because everyone keeps calling this baby… #2… why does it bother me so much?! I’ve been so careful with my wording… yes, we expecting again… or we’re having another baby… but never giving him or her a number… it is too hard to ask in this day in age where people are having conception problems to be a little more politically correct? sigh… i do know that no one is doing it out of spite, rather they probably don’t know or have forgotten. Perhaps it’s the later that is bothering me so much. Forgetting… the one thing I don’t ever want to do. RIP Emma…

About Suzanne Chan

Suzanne is student, daughter, wife, (labor & delivery) certified registered nurse, certified lactation counselor, friend, entrepreneur and blogger – but the job she's most proud of is mother… She shares her journey on this blog and The Disney Files. Read more about her here.

  • Wendy at Babies Gotta Have It

    So glad that everything is okay. Totally terrifying–I'm so sorry. Take it easy if you can. You're not wrong to do that. Not like this is news, but your relaxation…your peace of mind…your comfort and fun and even the occasional indulgence…is the best gift you can give this new little person. You're a great mom! Don't forget it!

  • Audrey

    So glad things are ok. I can't speak from experience, but I can definite see the range of pregnant mothers and their 9 months.. Some hardly act with caution for their babies and everything turns out fine. Others are overly strict and still face complications. I guess it is a fine balance between caring for your baby but also caring for yourself at the same time – physically and emotionally. As a person you deserve to relax and enjoy life, it makes a happier mother!

    Anyway, prayers for you and baby. 🙂


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