It’s funny how despite the positive pee stick pregnancy test, until you see the baby on the screen, it’s just not real enough. Maybe it’s just me. Even though I had the positive pee stick and I’m happily selectively telling those I want to that I’m expecting, at the same time when I woke up this morning I found myself wondering, what if it was just a chemical pregnancy? What if the pee stick was wrong? Maybe my period is just irregular again. I was thinking how embarrassing it would be for me if it was all in my head. Here it was my birthday, my husband took the day off, I think to be at this first sonogram. At the same time I was praying for a good birthday and telling God that it would be an amazing birthday present if everything was okay with the baby. Despite the overall good outlook I’ve been trying to have with this pregnancy, I was a bit surprised how hard it was for me to go to this first OB appointment. I had been looking forward to it for a few weeks now and it’s sudden arrival had me in a bundle of unexpected nerves. It started with lunch at my favorite IHOP. For the first time in years I didn’t order my International Passport with Swedish Pancakes. At first I chocked it up to nausea. I ordered a tall glass of Grapefruit juice hoping the sourness would do something for my stomach. I haphazardly played with my eggs and hash brown on my plate, forcing down the juice. As we arrived at the doctor’s I found I could hardly breath. My chest felt so tight and my heart started racing. I undid my bra to loosen my breathing, but it did no good. It also didn’t help for me to see the other doctor that shared the office walking around. He was the doctor who performed the D&C on Emma. The whole appointment I felt like putting my head in between my legs as they took my blood pressure, the 8 vials of blood, weighed me, etc., As the doctor talked, DH asked questions, I kept trying to relax and breath. I felt a little relief the minute the baby was on the sonogram, but it was short-lived with the sudden urge to cry. I was so relieved that I had my pregnancy confirmation, that all looked well on the screen. We saw his/her little heart beating, little buds for hands and feet. All the meanwhile discussions for the prenatal treatment was under way. The inability to breath returned again. Once again the talks about my history, doing an Ultrascreen and the scheduling of my Amnio in a few weeks. All of a sudden I felt like I was back in my pregnancy with Emma. I fought the urge to cry and everything I ever read or knew about pregnancy I seemed to have forgotten. I feel like running out to Barnes & Noble and picking up “What to Expect when you’re expecting” again even though I’ve read it over 6 times. Overall visually I think I appeared pretty normal. It wasn’t until we got home and I wanted to crawl into bed from exhaustion that I allowed myself to burst into tears. DH kept asking me why I was crying and what was wrong and I simply had no explanation. I just wanted to curl into a ball, sleep and make it all go away, hoping when I woke up I’d feel better. It’s as if the relief of seeing the baby on the sonogram was great but now until the Ultrascreen I’ll be on pins and needles. I’m sure once I have the Ultrascreen, I’ll be on pins and needles until the Amniocentesis. I wish I could be brave enough where all of this isn’t necessary. At the same time, I need to know that everything is okay, all the time. I guess it’s one hurdle at a time!
I’m not going to give this baby a number, but meet our newest baby!