Difficult Times…

Normally a pregnancy is suppose to be a joyous time. Since I was cheated of that feeling the last couple of times, I really was determined to be joyous this time around. Alas, life never makes it easy does it. For a few months now a girlfriend (E) and I have been each other’s conception diary. We’ve been sharing our anticipation, our disappointments, our hopes and silly wishes, and of course tips I picked up from past experiences, all the while life is happening around us. Obviously when I first found out I was pregnant, E was one of the first few exclusive people I wanted to share my news with. Somehow life didn’t quite lend a hand to making that happen. I didn’t want to relay the news via what I considered an impersonal email, especially since her last voicemail regarded another disappointing ovulation cycle and her need to purchase another kit. I had planned on telling her to save her money, I could give her my unused 20-day kit, along with 2 pregnancy tests because… I no longer needed it! I had it all planned. After several traded voicemails, I had headed into my final weeks of school and the craziness that is FINAL EXAMS. Days go by and I have it in the back of my head to pick up the phone and give E a call when I need to take a break from studying. Instead on the morning of my Laboratory final, I recieved an instant message from a mutual friend letting me know that E’s mother-in-law had passed on. It was devasting but not unexpected news as she had been battling cancer for a while now. An earlier mother’s day voicemail had indicated that she was doing well and was in good spirits for the occasion. I had returned that voicemail with another one on how happy I was that they enjoyed Mother’s day together. Another voicemail from E, the following day, indicated a turn for the worst in her mention of being “on-call” for the hospital. That message urged me that our call wasn’t and shouldn’t be a short one, so I held off, waiting for a better time for me to sit down and give E my undivided attention. That time never came. Now tomorrow is the funeral and unfortunately I will not be able to attend. Chinese tradition/superstition prohibits a pregnant woman from attending funeral services. I haven’t even had a chance to tell E my good news, and yet this doesn’t seem quite like the time to share either. It hurts that I will not be able to tell her why I can’t be at the funeral and I hope that someday she will understand that I sincerely wish I could be there for her, her husband and her family but I can’t. I am also sad because, although it was never spoken outloud, I think her wanting to get pregnant had much to do with bringing a little joy to her mother-in-law at the thought of a grandchild, their first grandchild. So I sit here tonight with a heavy heart, trying to study for my next final exam… one down… two more to go!!!

About Suzanne Chan

Suzanne is student, daughter, wife, (labor & delivery) certified registered nurse, certified lactation counselor, friend, entrepreneur and blogger – but the job she's most proud of is mother… She shares her journey on this blog and The Disney Files. Read more about her here.

  • Courtney

    oh i am so sorry you have a heavy heart and finals to take. last semester of school for me, my daughter died one week before I had finals it was so hard, so I totally understand.

    i hope you get a good chance to tell your friend, it will be hard for her but she will be happy cause she knows its a blessing either way. I know each time someone tells me they are pregnant, i get sad, like why do they get to be so excited and joyous and i have to know even till the very end I am never safe to just relax and be happy but I am excited for them to expand and get a blessing and excitement.


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